Have you ever wondered why you agree to do things you really don’t want to do? Or why you’re quick to get defensive at the slightest hint of conflict? Or why your mind goes blank and you shut down in stressful situations? If any of these sound like you, you can probably blame your stress responses.

We typically hear the words “fight,” “flight,” “freeze,” and “fawn,”  in the context of life-threatening situations, but what about in everyday life? Do our brains work the same way in stressful situations at work, school, and home as they do in life-threatening situations? Absolutely. 

What Are Stress Responses?

Stress responses (or trauma responses) are our brain’s way of protecting us. Our stress responses automatically react to things in our environment that are actually dangerous or threatening, or are perceived as dangerous or threatening. The parts of the brain responsible for our stress responses aren’t very good at telling the difference between danger and stress, so whether we’re being chased by a bear, or getting a message from our boss that says, “Come to my office…” our brains and bodies respond the same: by fighting, fleeing, freezing, or fawning. 

How Does the Stress Response Work?

All throughout the day, we’re taking in information about our surroundings through our senses. If something in our environment sets off any actual or sensed danger alarms, the parts of our brain that are logical and rational are overridden by our survival brain which sends signals to our bodies to prepare for the danger. The parts of your brain that are responsible for this response are reactionary, automatic parts – not thinking parts. We don’t get to choose how we respond in these situations, they just happen automatically which is very handy in a dangerous situation but can be frustrating in other situations.

What Does Fighting, Fleeing, Freezing, and Fawning Look Like?

Stress responses in an actual deadly situation look different than in stressful situations, so let’s start by looking at what fighting, fleeing, freezing, and fawning look like in an event that is life-threatening.

Stress Responses in Life-Threatening Situations

Let’s say it’s Saturday morning and you’re on a nice hike through the woods when a huge bear steps into your path.

• FIGHT: If your response is to fight, you may make some loud noises at the bear and try to make yourself appear bigger and more threatening. You may use your trekking poles as a weapon or throw rocks at the bear to scare it off. You’re going to take some sort of action to eliminate or gain power over the threat.

• FLIGHT: The goal of a flight response would be to avoid or retreat from the threat instead of confronting it head-on. You’d most likely back away, run, or try and climb up the nearest tree until the bear leaves. If the bear decides to attack, you may take more extreme measures and throw yourself down a steep slope or jump off an overhang into a ravine to escape the bear.

• FREEZE: The freeze response happens when it’s not safe to fight or flee, or when you need more time to assess the situation. Your brain has milliseconds to determine what course of action is most likely to result in your survival so freezing can be very helpful. The freeze response prepares you to take action, hide/ be unnoticeable, or disconnect and detach from your body. You can think of the freeze response as “aware immobility.” You’re frozen in place but you’re still aware and able to assess the situation. In this case, freezing means you may avoid the bear’s attention or send the message that you are not a threat. If the bear were to actually attack, you may even feel detached from your body as if you were watching the attack happen to someone else and you don’t feel much pain at all.

• FAWN: The purpose of the fawn response is to appease or placate a threat as the primary way to ensure survival. In a confrontation with a bear, you may make yourself appear as small and unthreatening as possible, use a gentle voice to assure the bear that you are not going to hurt it, or even dig some food out of your pack and toss it to the bear so that you can get away while it’s distracted.

Luckily, most of us aren’t encountering life-or-death situations on a regular basis, but our stress responses may still get triggered into action. Let’s take a look at what different stress responses might look like in everyday situations.

Stress Responses in Everyday Life

This time, let’s picture a Monday morning and you’re getting settled into your workplace or school for the day and you get a message that your boss or principal wants to see you ASAP.

• FIGHT: The goal of a fight response is the same regardless of the situation: to gain power and control over whatever is perceived to be causing stress. When you’re being called into your boss’s office, your fight response is meant to eliminate that stress. You may find yourself getting defensive, becoming verbally aggressive, and confrontational. You may even find yourself becoming physically aggressive toward people or objects near you. 

• FLIGHT: A flight response would look more like avoidance or retreat. Think about all the ways you could possibly escape an uncomfortable experience. You may physically leave a stressful situation and create distance between yourself and the source of the stress, or just avoid the source altogether. When your boss or principal requests that you go to their office, you might pretend you didn’t see the message, or you may say you’re sick and need to go home. You may take the longest route possible, and if you ever do make it to their office, you might feel the urge to deflect, project, and distract from the conversation if it’s not feeling safe. 

• FREEZE: When you’re in a freeze response, you might notice that it’s hard to make complete sense of what is being said to you or you might not be able to articulate a response. You might notice that your hands are cold and clammy, your body is tense and still, your breathing is shallow, and the only thing going on in your brain are cricket sounds. You’re basically a dear in headlights. Maybe the worst part is after the meeting, your mind is suddenly flooded with all the things you wanted to say and do but couldn’t. 

• FAWN: With a fawn response, you would of course walk to your boss’s or principal’s office no questions asked with a smile on your face despite your heart feeling like it’s going to pound out of your chest. You would most likely find yourself nodding along with whatever is being said and being as agreeable as possible to keep your boss or principal appeased, and ensuring you can get out of there as quickly as possible. You might apologize and take responsibility for things that aren’t your fault, and volunteer for things you don’t want to do. These people-pleasing behaviors are your way of subduing the perceived threat. 

Now that you have an idea of what your stress responses are, what are you supposed to do about them? We know the parts of the brain responsible for activating our stress responses don’t have the ability to use logic to assess a situation, it just reacts. Because of this, so much of our work toward regulating our systems has to happen before it’s activated in the first place. 

The Window of Tolerance

Doctor Dan Siegel developed the idea of the window of tolerance as a way of recognizing our nervous system’s sweet spot where we are able to successfully cope with everyday stressors and remain regulated. When we’re in our window of tolerance, we’re able to learn new information, respond and react to things from a grounded place, maintain regulation when stressful things happen, and move through life in a calm, cool, and collected way.